The Grammys are a funny thing. They present awards for a range of different categories, from Best Recording Package to Best Music Video to Record of the Year. However, if music is supposed to be art, then how exactly do the Grammys decided on who has the best art? Isn’t art just an expression of oneself? What criteria does the Grammy selection committee use to determine who’s art is best?
Fortunately, I’ve done years of research, watching each neverending Grammy award show after the next. My friends go out and party during the weekends. I suffer for my cause. I watch the Grammys.
Yet, there is a bright side. After all of this research, I have concocted a list of the five best ways to win an Album of the Year, the most prestigious Grammy award. In so doing, it goes without reason that this list truly is the criteria to judge all performers on the worthiness of their art.
Without further adieu, here is the list:
1. Be Old
With age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes Grammys. From Robert Plant’s Grammy in 2009 to Herbie Hancock’s in 2008 to Steely Dan’s in 2001, it is plain to see that if you’re about to kick the bucket, the Grammys would like to congratulate you for living.
Your chances to win Album of the Year improve astronomically if you actually once were deserving of this honor. For instance, Bob Dylan won it in 1998 for Time Out of Mind (a truly great album), but the man never won one for any of his string of rule-breaking 60s masterpieces (Blonde on Blonde, Highway 61 Revisited, The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan, etc.). It was almost as if the Grammys gave him the one in 1998 to basically say “Sorry about that whole refusing-to-give-you-an-award thing way back when. You were a bit too controversial in those days. Now that you’re older and accepted, we love you…and retroactively love all your brilliant past work.”
2. Be Popular
This explains why the Foo Fighters always get nominated (2008, 2012). It also explains the Black Eyed Peas nomination in 2010. (Actually, nothing explains that.) It’s the reason Alanis Morissette won for Jagged Little Pill in 1996. Did anyone actually think that was the best album that year? Yes. The Grammys did. Her art was best.
3. Be Someone Other than Radiohead
Radiohead is many things to many people. They’ve won widespread acclaim. Pitchfork readers want to make love to them. They are popular. They are indie. They are crazy businessmen. However, there’s one thing they are not. Grammy winners.
Time (1998) and time (2001) and time (2009) again, they have been nominated. Yet time (1998) and time (2001) and time (2009) again, they have lost. OK Computer and Kid A are considered by most to be groundbreaking works in the industry and stone cold masterpieces, yet they still lost. Astoundingly, in 2009 the band even showed up and played a killer performance of “15 Step” from In Rainbows (below), and still lost.
After doing a bit of digging, I realized why they lost. Winners from those three years, in order, are Bob Dylan, Steely Dan, and Robert Plant (with Alison Krauss). The average age of those winners is around 500, while the average age of Thom Yorke and the Yorkettes is about 40. Despite what they say, music isn’t a young man’s game. It’s an old man’s game for an old man that once was great as a young man.
4. Be Scheduled to Perform on the Grammys
When was the last time you saw a Grammy winner that didn’t actually perform on the show? Never, right. It’s like the whole thing is staged. Anyway, everyone knows that artists who have TV friendly good looks make the best art. How else can you explain how Whitney Houston’s soundtrack for The Bodyguard beat R.E.M.’s classic Automatic for the People in 1994? Bald white guys never make the best art.
5. Be “Americana”
I may not know much, but I do know that America is obsessed about America. Ford trucks, Bud Light, slavery, etc. We are a proud nation. Celebrating our roots is part of our culture. The Grammy selection committee endorses this celebration wholeheartedly. In music, celebrating our roots is called playing “Americana” or “folk” music. It tends to involve a middle-aged white guy with a beard or some sort of old-fashioned facial hair. This is why I expect Mumford & Sons to win this year.
A bunch of white guys with facial hair playing acoustic guitars and other old-timey instruments? Give them the trophy already.
All Americans know that American music is the best music. It goes without saying that it’s the best art.
There you have it. Check out the Grammys and let me have it if I’m wrong (which I won’t be).