So you’ve heard the hits. Sympathy for the Devil. Brown Sugar. (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction. The list goes on and on. England’s Hitmakers have really been on a roll for a while. They never grow old. From the 60s to the 70s, those sex-loving, party-swinging, heroin-injecting, incest-having (get to that later), guitar-driving rockers conquered the world, one hit after another. It was like nothing could stop them. They were that bulldozer, breaking down the musical landscape and reinventing it as their own. Invincible you could say. But then…
Then came the tree.
And with it, all hell broke loose.
In 2006, during an otherwise relaxing early summer vacation with his family in Fiji, Keith Richards was minding his own business. Probably getting the newspaper, injecting some heroin, taking Viagra, fooling around with his hot trophy wife, you know, the usual. After having his servants make him a cup of tea, and ordering them to accompany it with his favorite happy song, “Happy”, he must have decided to take an early morning stroll across the island.
He was probably hearing the hummingbirds sing, seeing the waves crash, feeling the wind against his old bones, when he heard the rustling of leaves. He then looked around and wondered where it came from. There in front of him was the giant tree, at least 10 feet tall!
He stared for a while and pondered to himself, “Well young lad, I believe this would be a mighty fine tree to climb as we did back in the old days.” (Whenever Keith Richards ponders anything, he talks to himself as if he were having a conversation. Some might say he needs medical attention.) Keith replied to himself, “Ah good sir, I do believe you are right. I best be climbing!”
Then he began the treacherous tree climb that will forever be called the “Richard’s Death Climb”. After a few minutes, he was about to reach the top (all of 10 feet high), when he noticed a little bird at the top.
Then came the following conversation with the evil bird that led to his near death:
“Why hello little one, pleased to meet you.”
“Why don’t you look like a happy birdie?
“You’re so pretty, I think I’m going to pick you up and take you home with me.”
“Here I go…wait…ahhhhhhh!”
Poor old Richards forgot he needed both hands on the tree to stay up and after attempting to pick up the bird, taking his hands off the tree, he fell. Richards went down, because after all, you can’t always get what you want. He survived, but was never the same.
And so ends the story of the famous “Richard’s Death Climb”. He learned a valuable lesson. If you’re an aging rock star with severe mental disabilities due to decades snorting and injecting anything in sight, climbing a tree might not be how to get your rocks off.
In case you don’t believe me, here’s the article.
“I don’t have a drug problem. I have a police problem.”
– Keith Richards
Divine intervention is the only rationale I see for how Richards has survived this long.