The Best Way to NOT Get Over That Girl That Dumped You

Play “No Distance Left to Run” by Blur on repeat, over and over.  Blur was the band you knew with that video with people magically being thrown against walls.*  Yes, apparently they are capable of being sad, very sad.

 Sad, right?

In my experience, any time someone mentions they’ve got no distance left to run, it normally means one of two things:

1)  It’s a cry for attention.  I used to fall for this sort of thing.  I’d call the girl or guy on the phone and make sure they’re ok.  They’d then complain and explain how depressed they are about not getting ice cream or something.  Blah Blah Blah. Nowadays, when someone says they’ve got no distance left to run, I just tell them to stop running.  Case Closed.  Nine times out of ten it’s just a cry for attention.  I don’t play that game anymore.  Granted, there’s that faint one out of ten chance it really is…

2) A cry for help.  In which case, if you don’t actually hear him or her out, he/she might just jump off a bridge.  If that happens, then no matter what anyone says, it really is YOUR fault.  But honestly, play the odds.  Call their bluff and roll the dice.  You’ll be happy you did, unless the person kills himself, in which case you won’t be.

*= If you were wondering, that song with that video with people being thrown against walls is “Song 2”.  Check it out.  It was part of the whole British Music Invasion in the mid-90s.

The Best Way to Show Off Your Indie Cred to the Local Hipsters

Just say the following: “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” in any sentence.*  The more casual it sounds, the better.  For instance,  say “I was at work the other day just keeping on keeping on when Pandora started playing “Holland 1945”  from In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.  I had to go back and play the old vinyl when I got home.  Nothing sounds better than when it’s played on vinyl.”

This is not only the absolute best way to get that sought after indie cred, it will probably make any hipster worth his salt turn into a mush of organic coffee from Intelligentsia.*  Bonus points were given for using the word “vinyl”.  For some reason, even though 99% of hipsters were born after vinyl was far out of fashion, they believe it is the best way to listen to music.  Or, they believe others believe this, so they believe it.  It’s really a chicken and the egg thing.

Anyway, the best possible scenario is that they will not know what you are talking about.  If this scenario occurs, you can smugly say “Oh, so you’ve never heard of that album.  It’s nothing special.  It just rewrote what was possible in music.  No biggie. ”  Then leave in disgust for two reasons: 1) these hipsters aren’t real hipsters (whatever that means) and 2) you probably shouldn’t be that 40 year old guy hanging out with 20 year old kids.  It’s creepy.

For your listening/viewing pleasure:

The guy looks like he’s dressing for a Christmas special.  Not sure how I feel about that.

* = I hate to say this, particularly because the album really is a hipster’s wet dream, but In The Aeroplane Over the Sea is actually really, really good.  I will probably get around to writing more about it at some point.  Any time a guy can make an album devoted to Anne Frank, you know it will either be a disaster or amazing, nothing in between.  This was amazing.

* = Yes, this place exists (http://www.intelligentsiacoffee.com/).  Hipsters drink there.  It does not do what it claims.  It does not make you intelligent. It is, however, overpriced.

“The Best” Series: An Introduction

“The Best” is a new series in which we discuss a laundry list of “bests”, whether it be about a great breakup albums, great closing song, or mixed tape used to ease the pain of watching everything you know and love be eaten alive during the inevitable zombie apocalypse.  Anything goes.  Yes, it’s that kind of series.

Several “bests” will be coming out soon.  Be ready.